The Arrival Fallacy: Why Achieving Our Dreams Won't Make Us Truly Happy
Dopamine is not about the pursuit of happiness but the happiness of a pursuit.
I was born and raised in a small city where I lived for 17 years. The city was far from the hustle and bustle of modern life in bigger cities. People lived a simple life. No tall buildings or flyovers were stretching across the roads. No high-end restaurants that serve food on small but expensive plates. Many people in my city dreamt of moving to a bigger city where everything is easily accessible, like a nice car to drive to work in the central business district, towering buildings, or a modern residential complex which can cost a house between $200k and $2M, equipped with a beautiful park, small lake, a convenience store, and luxurious malls.
This dream gives people hope—hope that gives them the energy to chase the life they've been dreaming of. They believe they'll be happily ever after if they achieve their dreams. It gives them something to anticipate and fight for until they get it and realize the happiness is not there like reaching out for a glimpse of an oasis after struggling in the desert only to find out the oasis is merely an illusion. Feeling confused, they set up a new dream and goal to achieve, only to find out these patterns keep repeating. The pattern tells us that achieving/owning things doesn't contribute to long-lasting happiness but short fun.
They soon realize that having something to chase is more energizing than achieving it.
Allow me to explain.
Dr. Sapolsky, a neuroscientist at Stanford University, said:
"Dopamine is not about the pursuit of happiness but the happiness of a pursuit."
We often believe that once we get that job, girl/boy, new car, phone, and big house, we will be happy ever after. But we know it is a lie. There's a psychological phenomenon about this called The Arrival Fallacy.
It is an illusion that we will be happy once we reach our destination, but happiness cannot be found.
According to Arthur C. Brooks, the author of Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier, there's an explanation of why people can't be happy after achieving their goals:
"Our brains will figure out by themselves that we want something more and more out of what we currently have. It's called homeostasis. It's when our brains return to the baseline after a recent spike in certain neurons when achieving something. Then, we need something more to get it spike again at the same level as the previous one. This is where the "never enough" comes from."
We buy a new iPhone model, expecting it to solve our problem, only to realize that it offers nothing better than the previous model.
We buy a closet full of clothes to ensure we have enough clothes to go to work, only to realize we have nothing to wear.
We buy a new car, hoping it will be more comfortable and cooler, only to realize it is just a regular car that gets us from point A to B.
We buy a bigger house, imagining how cool it is, only to realize it looks like the small apartment where we used to live.
The excitement of owning something fades away in a blink of an eye. We realize owning something is not the thing that makes us happy. Instead, the joy comes from anticipating things coming our way instead of owning them.
I remember how excited I was when waiting for my new iPhone to arrive at my door.
I remember how excited I was when I got a new job with a higher salary.
I remember how excited I was when waiting for my vacation in the next few months.
Tim Ferriss used to book a week-long vacation years before to enjoy the anticipation as much as possible.
This shows that the journey is much more enjoyable than the destination.
Morgan Housel tells a story of how he booked a vacation long before with his family. When they finally arrived at the hotel, the first words when he stepped out to the balcony of the hotel were:
"It would be so good if we could be back here again the next year."
It shows that even during the experience of a vacation, he was artificially creating another journey already on top of his mind.
Humans are wired to desire and chase something. Our ancestors used to seek food, only to realize that it was only sustained for a short time. They had to seek another food. It is how our survival mechanism works. The thrill of getting new things often overshadows the satisfaction of having them.
It leads to a continuous cycle of desire and acquisition. The problem with this is we no longer enjoy the present moment because our minds keep on chasing something far away in the future. Imagine if you are on the beach to chill while looking at the sun, but your mind is wandering to search for new places to be next year.
“Do you not feel tired of always looking at your shoulders every time?”
Ironically, it is what gets us excited to get up in the morning to do the things we are supposed to be doing so we can have another vacation next year. These hedonic treadmills trapped us, making us repeat the same pattern again. I keep on questioning myself every day:
“Will there be an end to this? Will I ever be satisfied with everything without wanting to keep chasing new things? When is enough is enough?"
I don't know if there's a remedy for this because there's no end to the pursuit. But it's important to note that we shouldn't sacrifice the present moment for the supposedly exciting things tomorrow. We can enjoy the present moment and the destination we just arrived at, feel the joy of realizing our goals/destinations, and be grateful for it.
Because we will never know if we get to do this tomorrow, as nothing is guaranteed.
It reminds me to seek balance and fulfillment in the intangible aspects of life, such as meaningful relationships, personal growth, and unforgettable experiences.
What about you? How's your relationship with your desire? Is it under your control, or does it control you?
“Happiness isn't found in some finite checklist of goals that we can diligently complete and then coast. It's how we live our lives in the process. That's why the four pillars of happiness are faith, family, community, and meaningful work. Those are priorities we have to keep investing in.”
- Arthur C. Brooks.